It’s Never Quite Good Enough

Having high standards and a strong internal drive can be a double-edged sword. These can be strengths that have significant benefits but they also can lead to significant self-defeating patterns if they’re out of balance.

Here are three common types or flavors of excessive standards:

Compulsivity | The Need for Order
This type of person finds themselves consumed by meticulous details and the fear of even minor errors. Frustration and dissatisfaction plague them when things aren’t orderly, neat or tidy. They feel more at ease being a very safe distance away from mess and chaos.

Achievement Orientation | The Workaholic's Drive
This type of person sacrifices rest, relationships, and personal well-being in the relentless pursuit of accomplishment and achievement. Underneath any authentic or faked sense of confidence there’s an insecurity that fuels this drive. For the insecure overachiever any pause in this pushing forward can be quite uncomfortable.

Status Orientation: The Quest for External Recognition
For this type of person, markers like wealth, status, or appearance become primary measures of worth. No matter the amount of accomplishment, a nagging sense of inadequacy persists. This can fuel a never ending pursuit for external validation.

And here are common symptoms that go with excessive standards:

Mental & Emotional Symptoms

  • Excessive fear of being “lazy” or failing
  • Ruled by a sense of urgency
  • Imposter syndrome
  • Harsh inner critic
  • Accomplishments result in little to no actual pleasure
  • Difficulty taking time to celebrate successes

Behavioral Symptoms

  • Overworking
  • Procrastination
  • Self-care neglected
  • Little tolerance for rest

Relational Symptoms

  • Often disappointed by others
  • Excessively picky or critical of romantic partners
  • Difficulty asking for help or delegating
  • Trouble accepting compliments
  • Constant comparisons

Emotion Focused Therapy for Excessive Standards

Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) provides a powerful framework to address the underlying emotional drivers of these patterns.

All those bullet points above are symptoms of issues with trust, not the root causes.  The focus of EFT is to address the root causes.  

While each individual's experience is unique, here are some core aspects of this work:

1 | Identify the Stuck Patterns

We all have blind spots in our self-awareness and becoming more aware and clear on our self-defeating patterns is a very helpful step.  If you identify with these patterns described above, this is a great first step.  

It’s also useful to know that perfectionism and excessively high standards and the symptoms listed above are downstream results of larger upstream processes that we’re often even less aware of.  When it comes to excessive standards of order, status or achievement, it’s often the case that one or more of these types of negative, self-defeating patterns is also active:

  • The “I’ll never get the love I need” pattern (disconnection & rejection)
  • The “I’m worthless” pattern (defectiveness & shame)
  • The “I’m inadequate” pattern (failure)

2 | Developing Emotional Awareness

We are helpless to change something we’re not aware of or able to acknowledge.  The pressure to excel and be in control is almost always paired with intense feelings, whether the person is aware of them or not.  This often includes anxiety, shame or self-doubt.  When someone hasn’t had the chance to learn how to effectively work with intense emotions, they are left with their default option to avoid - to stuff it down and power through.  Usually means escaping back into the big Self-Improvement Project or over-intellectualizing their emotional experience.

People that are limited by these patterns often can benefit greatly by therapy.  The tragedy though is that most will avoid or resist it due to some sense that they shouldn’t need help from others or a belief that because they are often “high functioning” they should just figure it out on their own.

3 | Building Emotional Regulation

Recognition of a pattern and the ability to name what we are feeling are both great steps that lead to building of emotional regulation.  Noticing and naming something lets you step back from being caught in it.  From there it’s a natural progression to build the ability to tolerate or regulate some of the more intense emotions that are driving these patterns at the core.  Having a deeper understanding of your emotional experience is a central part of building a greater source of worth and contentment outside of accomplishments.

4 | Understanding the Bigger Picture

Perfectionism and overachievement frequently develop as adaptive strategies to cope with earlier experiences.  Some common factors are having a childhood where you experienced harsh criticism, conditional love, or feeling like you had to excel to be noticed.  For one reason or another kids can adopt the role of being the good, smart or accomplished child.  Exploring the origins of these patterns can be a key factor in understanding the other parts of ourselves and to be able to unhook from the strong grip of the patterns.

If you'd like to understand more about the EFT process you can read more here.

The Therapy Process

Next Steps

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