The Most Common Question I Get Asked

When people hear that I work as a psychologist I often get asked:

How do you listen to people's problems day after day?

The underlying question is essentially...

How do you insulate yourself from your clients’ feelings?

The Answer:  I don't.

First, protecting myself from my clients' feelings just doesn't work.  If I fought and shielded against them inside they'd only get more intense and more "stuck" inside me.  Also, it would lead to bad therapy.  The last thing any of us need is to open up to someone only to feel unheard, unseen and responded to with some advice you could read in a magazine.

I've learned the hard way, over many years of clinical training that in order for this process to work well (and to also not burn out) I need to actively let myself be affected by my clients’ emotions.  There’s no other way to do deep work and to get to the root of what’s going on for someone without being able to enter into their experience with them.  I intentionally let go of protecting myself from feeling the intensity of the emotions and let them pass through me.

The best thing I can do is to respect my clients enough to be willing to stay with them as we work through some scary waters.  To go to the places that feel most risky for them to go to.

This sounds horrible the way I'm phrasing this.   The surprising reality is that it's not torturous, a burden or something hard thing to do day in and day out.  It’s, in truth, an honor to be allowed in close by so many people into a place of vulnerability and confusion.  The “negative” emotions lose their weight and sting when we, together, begin to let our guard down and let the emotions come through.  It’s when they are bottled up, pushed down, denied, minimized, and fought against that they become toxic and overwhelming.

I’m also able to open and stay open day after day to the rawness of dark depression, tightly wound anxiety, addiction and trauma without becoming jaded or a martyr because I’ve trained over many years on being able to remain objective.  I often tell clients that the content of what we talk about isn’t as important as the process.  There is a process to therapy and it’s my job to help teach my clients how to do therapy, how to engage in the process of change.  The content of what we talk about is only a means to enter into and through that process.  So, thankfully, I can remain objective about any of the information we share because I’m more focused on tuning into where are we in the process.

I also do the work to remain objective and not take it all home with me.  I have personal stuff just like everyone else.  Thankfully, I’ve done enough of my own therapy to have a good sense of what my struggles are and I’m able to be aware of when my own stuff is coming up so I can take note and not let it blind me or interfere with my relationship with my client.  My regular meditation practice is the other essential to be able to remain self-aware.

Any job has it’s ups and downs but overall I feel privileged to be able to do deep and meaningful work with so many people.